ADHD, & Me
I've just realised, I haven't even introduced myself yet
Trigger warning: this article discusses suicide, depression, anxiety, and ADHD topics in depth. I understand if some of these topics are too heavy for you, and you decide not to read. In that case, I hope to see you in the next post on October 2nd. ❤
“How do you think this makes your colleagues feel? This will make them stressed out and is unfair on them.”
You may read this as a stern word from a line manager over some menial task, but it was actually about my suicide attempt in one of my old workplaces circa 2018.
How does that statement make you feel? How would you react?
Surely something like: “How dare you make me feel guilty about something so deeply complex, nuanced, and personal!”
I did think that. But, I sat in the uncomfortable chair 3 meters opposite my work-assigned ‘mental health assessor’, with a ray of piercing sunlight through the adjacent window illuminating him like some sort of twisted angel, except he was much more boring and stale, like a really judgmental loaf of bread. I stay recoiled in my shell, mimicking a hermit crab trying to hide from a natural predator. Still mentally smarting from the attempt 3 days prior, signed off on 2 weeks sick leave, I languished in silence - yearning for some comfort from an external source.
I won’t go into detail, but on the day of the crisis I sat in an isolated, stuffy work toilet cubicle, tears streaming down my face, shirt fabric rubbing uncomfortably against my skin. You know when you wash an item of clothing and it irritates the skin? Like that. The cubicle walls stretched to 10-thousand feet, and as I looked up there was a coat hanger, and a tie in my hands, with no other outcome being feasible at the time.
3 days later that weekend in London, Stratford, I had drinks and played table tennis with my friends and laughed like nothing had happened at all.
I Apologise,
for how grimly depressing the opening to this post was, for I was going to write about ADHD representation in the media tomorrow, but had a sudden realisation that you don’t even know me. As a subscriber to my work, I feel it’s my duty to be honest about myself, so that you understand me a bit more - my reasons for creating this blog, and the relationships I have with my mental health. You see I’m at this point of my life both simultaneously in spite and because of the various conditions I’ve been diagnosed with. Depression, anxiety, ADHD - despite the media landscape, social media, and general public perception of these things as big hairy monsters, the connection I have with them is not purely negative; alas, it’s a strange concoction of hate, love, strength, weakness, and ‘I wouldn’t have it any other way’, as well as, ‘my god I wouldn’t wish this upon my worst enemy’.
What I don’t want this article to be:
A lionization of myself
A sob story
Sympathy votes
A rags to riches story (cost of living will see to that!)
An inspirational story
Navel gazing
What I do want this article to be:
An honest, deeply personal essay of who I am so that you have more context of my personality & motivations
Why?
The very title of this publication is literally ADHD & me (!), for starters. Thus far, I’ve written about ADHD apps, conducted an interview with close friend on their social anxiety, and spoken about ADHD ‘success story’ representation in the media. But if I’m to be true to the title, I have to talk about me, which I have not done sufficiently yet. This means being transparent. What does that mean?
According to the Cambridge Dictionary, the official meaning for being transparent is to be:
“open and honest, without secrets: We are committed to being totally transparent about our charges. Thesaurus: synonyms, antonyms, and examples. telling the truth and able to be trusted.”
This means talking about my depression, anxiety, and ADHD; my relationship with them, how that has changed over time, and how this is relevant to the publication you kindly subscribe to. You see, all three are closely intertwined, like the chicken & egg conundrum, except a bit more chemically driven (what came first, the dopamine or the anti-depressant?).
Like with any story, it’s good to start at the beginning.
Aged 9-18; moving schools, feeling isolated, being angry
I had a good, yet strange childhood. Up until the age of 9, I remember it being fairly normal; Christmases, playing out with my friends, getting in trouble. One of my most treasured and earliest memories is of my mum hoovering the living room, whilst also pretending the hoover was a dragon, and the floor was lava (yes, I started it before it was cool), and I jumped from sofa to sofa in an attempt to escape it’s evil, spring cleaning clutches. I always get a little tear in my eye thinking about this.
It changed around 9-years old, when my mum became a Jehovah’s Witness (JW). Suddenly, the Christmases / birthdays stopped, I couldn’t play out with ‘worldly’ friends, and there was a brand new regime of religious restrictions imposed upon me; twice weekly meetings, bible studies, door knocking, having to mingle with young kids my age in Kingdom Halls that I could just tell felt as confused and isolated as I did. Being young, I didn’t have a say in the matter and this became my new normal.
This is not a character assassination of my own mother, as I love her dearly and my relationship with her 20 years later is as meaningful and strong as ever. I do however think it is relevant to an inner turbulence I felt for 6 years, which I partially attribute the conception of my depression and anxiety to. As a child, I was supposed to be looking forward to playing hide’n’seek with my mates; instead I had a constant sense of existential anxiety and dread about an impending Armageddon that would annihilate all non-believing friends & family members (my dad, grandad, uncles, cousins, friends in school included). Thankfully, this day never arrived.
I tried to keep this shameful, embarrassing secret from my school friends, using ‘oh, I’m busy with some other friends’ or ‘sorry, I have to see my [insert obscure extended family member]’ instead of playing tag or going to the local park after school. With time, it somehow got out that I was a JW, and I was bullied relentlessly for it. My first suicide attempt came in a misguided attempt of taking more than the recommended amount of painkillers, which ended with me throwing up in the middle of the night.
I had to get out of there. Luckily, my grandad was a governor for the county school system at the time, and I managed to start a brand new school at the start of Year 10. This meant I was a ‘late arrival’ in the eyes of new peers, with only 2 years of school education left to save my faltering grades and damaged psyche.
It was bliss. I managed to integrate fairly quickly, keep my shameful secret to myself, and my grades turned on a dime. The friends I made were life changing, and 15 or so years later I’m still closely connected with a core group who went to the same school, and was also introduced to a wider net of friends later in my 20s. I am so, so lucky to have such a strong, supportive group of guys who I love dearly. They have quite literally saved my life.
Despite the change in fortune, I had developed wild mood swings from 14 years old onwards, and started to act out in strange ways with my family and school friends. I even hid a pocket knife in my blazer pocket on the first day of my new school, not for an intended physical use, but a psychological safety net against any new bullies or threats I may encounter. This set the tone for years to come.
I became more and more erratic in home life due to developing a social conscious and awareness of how the world really works i.e., evolution, social conventions, normality in general. With my growing knowledge, I rebelled against not only the practices my mum persisted to impose on me, but also the loss of my childhood 5 years prior. The realisation I had lost a large part of my innocent youth, as well as the fun-loving parent I once had, broke me in two. My parents couldn’t see this, and kicked me out at age 16 (when I had officially left the ‘Truth’ - that’s what they call it).
I had to find accommodation elsewhere, and fell in with questionable crowds. I started using drugs, drink, and showing off in social situations for attention as a result. The embryo of my depression and anxiety festered into a deep, dark permanent state of mind. Eventually, I begged to come back home, to which my parents accepted - as long as I did anger management.
There were good times with my family at home during this period, but I’d be lying if I said these factors didn’t contribute significantly to the start of my depression & anxiety.
Aged 18-23; old friends, new friends, realisations
Like with any raging house fire, it doesn’t go gently into that night. My anger and outbursts spilled over into social situations and sometimes in my very first job in the corporate world up in London. It was an exciting time! I was making some money! Making new work friends! Even connecting with old ones from school!
Yet, I always had (and still do to some extent) a persistent feeling of not belonging, of finding certain social situations odd/confusing/awkward, where other ‘normals’ don’t feel this way. In work drinks at lunch, someone could make a comment, and depending on my mood on the day I could laugh it off, or go to the toilet and break down in tears. One time on a dress down Friday, a colleague said ‘you’re not wearing that for the Xmas party, are you?’. I went to the toilet cubicle and cried. Looking back, it was a bit of an overreaction.
The thing is, as much as I wanted to integrate and laugh and let things bounce off me and be light and breezy and fun, the clutches of my unbeknown depression prevented me from doing so. I was confused, upset, and frustrated.
I eventually started drinking too much, and went to some dark places I wish to never return to - a bit like a Tatooine local would never go into the Krayt Dragon cave (which is quite a fitting anthropomorphism for my depression, actually).
Another nearly-suicide attempt occurred. This time, I thought, let’s make a change. Let’s make a difference. I told my parents, and rather than undivided support, I received anger and was accused of selfishness. This was the first time I recoiled into my hermit crab shell. I don’t blame my parents - my dad was brought up in a very stiffen up that upper lip environment, and my mum didn’t have the most loving of childhoods. I can see why they reacted that way. Nevertheless, it amplified the bad feelings.
Eventually, my mum softened and became a sympathetic ear. I started to research about depression & anxiety symptoms. Weirdly enough, I scored 10/10 on all the online assessments (get in!). I booked in a therapy assessment, and lo-and-behold, got a diagnosis of depression & anxiety.
Suddenly, the clouds parted, the stars aligned, and I had some much needed clarity on the last 13 years. I started anti-depressants and after a very strange first 3 weeks, I could see the wood from the trees. No more insane mood swings. Less awkwardness. A spring in my step. It was great.
Aged 23-27; evolution, ADHD, the now
Despite the tangible change I felt, mood swings did not entirely disappear. However, I was able to have a bit more mental space to critically analyse the root cause of them, instead of being caught up in the eye of the storm. I attributed names and characteristics to make them a bit more friendly:
Depression Dave: A bit mopey, can be destructive, but surprisingly helps me be empathic and introspective, which has many useful applications
Anxiety Adam: Highly strung worrier, like a buzzing bee situated in my brain. Can help me get really important stuff done
ADHD - Unknown at this point, as I wasn’t even aware of it.
Through a combination of therapies, good personal habits, and talking to my friends and family (to an extent), I was able to swing the tide from a 80:20 ratio of depression / normality to 30:70 the other way. I had (kind of) won!
Now, like any story, you’re waiting for another twist, an insurmountable challenge, a narrative. I don’t want to do that here - there are problems in everyone’s life, every single day that fluctuate over time dependent on uncontrollable factors. Despite the healthy practices I implemented, I continually battled with my mind. I compare it to fighting off an army, but every time you look away, the army can grow exponentially in size - sometimes doubling, trebling - and overwhelm you. Anxiety is like a constant static energy that permeates pretty much all of my life, and through these realities, a few more dark periods ensued.
Following that meeting with the work-assigned mental health assessor, I stumbled along in my professional, personal, and romantic life for a couple of years. I had relationships that came and went, got promoted a couple times, and moved out with one of my best mates. Some good, some bad (not the best mate part😉).
Then the pandemic happened. I won’t labour on about the impact of remote working, isolation, and changes in human psyche and behavior - that’s best discussed in another piece, and has also been interrogated extensively in media. What the extended isolation did do is frustrate me. Despite medicating, exercising, therapizing, talking, and generally doing everything I can to combat Dave & Adam, my cognitive ability dropped to an all time low. Some examples:
Getting overwhelmed by complexity (stock up on toilet roll or go on my government mandated 15 minute walk?)
Having intense brain fog (walking into a room and forgetting why, like I’ve been recast in a really shit remake of Memento)
Unable to focus, or focusing too long (switching between 20 Excel spreadsheets, making some toast, watching a bit of Come Dine With Me, and wiping half the kitchen side in the span of 10 mins)
The question is: why? The prevailing feeling was frustration. I had spent the best part of 13 years building from that 9-year old boy to a 27-year old man (start of 2022), yet suddenly, since the beginning of the pandemic, I can barely write an email or do the washing up? What gives?
First, I attributed this to COVID news fatigue. It made sense. We’d been barraged doom & gloom for so long - why wouldn’t my brain rewire itself in a really inconvenient way?
I started to be intentionally positive - yay! OK - that helped a tinnnny bit, but why do I feel so lethargic? ‘Maybe it’s my diet!’ - let’s switch that up. Hmmm, I mean I feel less guilty about ordering Deliveroo all the time (honestly, 2020 was a disgrace), but my motivation still starved.
When speaking to my friends about how I felt, it became clear that the above symptoms weren’t as frequent or aggressive in my comrades (as well as things like sensory sensitivity - next door did loud DIY for a year when I first moved in, and they’re starting again right now).
Like 23-year old me, I got curious. I researched what these signals could mean and found out more about ADHD. I’d always had an incorrect perception of ADHD to be something ‘problem kids’ have, and it was ALWAYS hyperactivity. I discovered there were different types - and I’ll be damned if I didn’t have Inattentive Dominant ADHD type, with a sprinkle of hyperactivity. Could this be a second ‘cleansing’? Could years of awkward social encounters, supercharged by Adam and emotionally disjointed by Dave, finally be even more explained?
I was nervous to find out. Being used to clinical settings, I had 2 assessments with a mental health professional who proved my hunch right and diagnosed me with ADHD. He prescribed me Elvanse (Europe equivalent of Vyvane in the US). The clouds parted for a second time.
Aged 27-29 (present day); a new world, some reality checks, & me
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t slightly concerned about the effects the first Elvanse capsule had on me. Put it this way, I hadn’t done the washing up for 2 weeks and the kitchen was a state, and within 20 minutes it was the end of a Homes Under The Hammer episode. Spotless.
I had experienced sides before and did a lot of scouring on Reddit forums to make sure I hadn’t complete lost my mind. Luckily, this type of reaction was normal, and over time the rush lessened and my ADHD symptoms became more manageable. I was able to focus longer, not get overwhelmed as easy, sounds weren’t so piercing, and I generally had a bit more get-up-and-go about me.
Since my diagnosis, and subsequent medication, I haven’t had any suicide attempts. No more recoiling in my shell.
Note: for me, meds are ONLY an enabler / foundation for healthy habits I need to implement to complement it as an overall package.
Since June 2022, I’ve thought about things. Specifically, how I can relate to thousands of others -diagnosed, undiagnosed, or anyone in general- with these types of symptoms. There’s already a plethora of amazing ADHD content producers out there who provide great perspectives, namely ADHD Focus, ADHD Made Me Do It, and Adulting with ADHD, to name a few.
I’ve always loved writing. With my improved clarity, I decided to start writing this publication to contribute to ADHD awareness. My goals are to:
Formulate my thinking since childhood and make sense of my social experiences in work and social settings
Provide relatability via my experiences for people who feel the same (I am not a medical professional)
Deep dive on on how anxiety, depression, and ADHD are interlinked for me
My initial observations on my 3 amigos:
Depression Dave: childhood factors contributed to this, then a lack of support system. This changed in my early 20s when I developed deep bonds with my friends. The introspection Dave still allows me combined with ADHD is useful for going down the rabbit hole (like this post!)
Anxiety Adam: Started via the same as Dave. He’s less useful when combined with ADHD, however helps with prioritsation
ADHD - what’s a good nickname for this?! Has good and bad. Weirdly enough, since taking my meds and improving healthy habits, I like to harness this (with caution) to focus on and deep dive tasks, and generally be kinder to myself by not overexerting. I know my social battery can drain quite quickly - it’s only since being diagnosed I can do this.
My goal isn’t to make complete sense of how they are linked. Every person that experiences these in isolation, or together, will have an incalculable amount of underlying factors that I couldn’t possibly cater for without writing a post 10 million words long. What I can do is continue to explore how they link for me, and if that resonates with just one reader - then it’s all worth it.
It’s been 3 weeks, and this is the scariest blog post thus far. Scrap that, the scariest thing I’ve ever done. Exposing my secrets to 33 people, some friends, some from other countries, and potentially wider. But I know I won’t regret it.
❤
I hope this has shed some light. Thank you for continuing to read. There will not be a post tomorrow, so I will carry on next week Tuesday / Friday as normal, with a brand new October content schedule released before.
*Disclaimer: this post is based on my own personal experience as someone who has had ADHD, anxiety & depression for 15 years. Please make your own judgement, as I am not a professional, but a 29 year-old man who wants to make sense of his muddled mind!*
Jordan, thank you so much for writing this and being so vulnerable. It really brings to life how hard it can be deal with mental health issues but also shows how the light always shines again. It’s also always really great to understand the author at a deeper level. 😊
This is such a brave, raw and honest article, as a close friend I am so proud of how truthful you've been.
Amazing article to read to help other people experiencing the same but also help people around you understand the challenges you have faced/are facing.
Thank you for sharing your story and keep the content coming!
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