Disconnection

What's between a third and mid life crisis?

The last time I wrote to you was 13 months ago.

First things first - sorry that I haven’t written more.

I get into a habit of saying ‘I MUST write once per week’ but then panic if I miss a week, feel guilty and stop altogether. Lol.

So from now on I’ll just write whenever I’ve got something to say.

To new subscribers over the past year - thanks for signing up despite the quietness.

Here’s a little re introduction. I write about:

• My mental health

• ADHD experiences

• Reflections on life

The purpose behind my writing is to connect and relate to anyone that reads it.

Not as advice or top ten tips or how to guides. But more a stream of consciousness from my singular, heavily biased experience - in the hope that someone reading may relate to just one point.

If you do, I’d love to hear from you.

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Here’s todays stream of consciousness

So much has happened since you last read my stuff, it’s hard to pinpoint where to start.

• I turned 31 (4th June)

• I’ve had huge ups and downs with my career (made redundant, started own biz)

• I’m stuck in a rut

Why do I feel stuck?

Because I feel: disconnected.

• From close ones

• From the ‘norms’ of life

• From myself

Here’s what my feeling of disconnection is made up of..

1. Social

Whenever I’m out with friends, I have a voice in my head telling me:

You are NOT meant to be here

~ Inner Demon

Not in a dangerous way.

In a way where I feel like a spare part. If a social outing is an orchestra of beautiful instruments, I am the triangle (although I was sick at this in primary school).

Have you ever had sleep paralysis? That floating feeling of looking down on yourself but you can’t move. I have that same 3rd person feeling pretty much 24/7.

This is me

2. Myself / my life

My social disconnection feeling warps my perception of who I am, why I’m here, and what I am meant to be.

Now this could be a third-to-midlife crisis (everyone has those yeah??), but this feeling of constant disconnection has grown from background white noise to full scale hurricane in the past 3ish months, resulting in this thought:

My name is Jordan. I am 31. I live alone. And I literally don’t feel like a real person.

As Jez from Peep Show beautifully puts it:

Self deprecating humour aside, I’m going to try parse why I feel that way.

Not to lionize myself; to provide you some interesting reading, and more importantly to spark that familiar feeling of ‘someone finally gets it’ in your brain if you relate to something.

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Here’s why I think I feel disconnected (not 100% sure yet)

My self neglect

I’ve gotten too comfortable relying on others for support.

I let my own self sustaining ‘good’ practises like therapy, socialising, and writing go because I got too dependent on others for validation.

I neglected myself. This is linked to..

My childhood (small trigger warning)

I experienced a childhood vacant of the emotional support I desperately craved.

One thing I am struggling with is to correctly label my childhood for what it was: emotional and sometimes physical abuse. I hate to even type it.

It feels like I’m grieving for the childhood I never had, and the support system that never existed.

Even TWENTY years later, the mental damage of my early life remain..

..and so bringing this back to present day: I latch onto others for validation that I matter, that I’m ‘worthy’ of existing, and that I can achieve things I want to do.

Because no matter how much I tell myself this, I don’t really believe it.

This all culminates into a strong cocktail of grief, sadness, loss, and guilt. It’s too much, and how does my brain cope? It disconnects:

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What this looks like, day to day

• I live on autopilot, the same routine is comfortable

• Intense periods of sadness, for which I can’t pinpoint the source of

• Followed by numbness

• Occasional spit of happiness

You’re probably expecting a nice resolution or ‘heroes’ journey, but the reality is I am still in this state of disconnection right now as I write this.

So instead, I’ll share some things I am trying that have been helping (a little):

1. Reframing thoughts: ‘I feel disconnected’ → ‘I’m figuring it out. This is temporary’

2. Journaling: Started writing for 20 mins a day, no phone in sight - with a pen :)

3. Walks in nature: I recently listened to a podcast where they said ‘people don’t experience the feeling of awe enough in life’. So I’ve started walking to places with massive trees, or when the stars are out. That feeling of feeling small grounds me.

I’m still figuring it out. Some, all, or none of this may work for you.

Also, I’m aware this is all pretty heavy shit. My writing may not be for everyone.

But if you have read this far and feel like someone has spoken to you for the first time in ages - please let me know what they said.

Until next time 💓