This week,
and I co-authored a piece on how we manage the beast that is OCD. You can find our full free article on her Substack in the link below. Don’t forget to subscribe to Hattie’s page! 👇For those who want to read my OCD piece on its own, scroll below Jack Black.
Over and out!
OCD & Me
It’s summer. Bright and blue, 25 degrees. The smell of freshly laid tarmac wafting over, the ‘chugugugu’ sound of nearby roadworks, and general hum of after work drinkers, tourists, and people going about their day. Heading off to a social engagement, I dropped some of my ADHD medication by accident in the middle of a busy road. It was 20mg of Vyvanse, and I picked it up and scurried along the road like a hermit crab to escape chaotic London traffic.
Thinking nothing more of such a mundane occurrence, I arrived at my destination and ordered a Moretti to see off a busy week.
But then.
‘What if you didn’t pick up all the medication?’
Wha-…
‘Ya know, what if you missed one capsule. What if a kid walks over the crossing and picks it up’
Don’t be so ridic-
‘No, no, no. You know that’s possible. It literally has a possibility percentage. It could happen. The kid could pick it up, eat it, and die. Your tolerance of ADHD stimulants as an adult is not the same as a child, and it will be YOUR fault’
Umm-ing and ahh-ing mid mental conversation, I decide decisive action is required for such an emergency. I leave the pub and walk across the crossing where the crime was committed earlier. To my surprise, there is no medication astray on the floor.
This was in May earlier this year. Whilst I was able to temporarily alleviate my intense paranoia, that wasn’t the first or last time I’ve come face to face with the Satan’s snake of a mental disorder that OCD is.
Worrying people not liking me
Accidentally cheating in a relationship
Not seeing my boss for a few weeks and thinking I’m going to get sacked
Accidentally committing a crime
Checking the door is shut 3 times
OCD takes many forms. It isn’t just checking actions (although this is a component), it’s unpleasant / intrusive thoughts about pretty much anything. Personally, mine is most aggressive with relationships and losing medication, incurring untold death upon the UK population.
It’s quite easy to take an objective outsider view of my experience back in May. EVEN if I did miss one capsule, the likelihood of the scenario I created in my head was next to zero. OCD doesn’t work like that. The probability of your worst fear can be 0.0000001%, yet that slim chance still dominates any rational thinking.
I only realised I had OCD when I spoke to my therapist about these debilitating ruminations earlier this year.
The Evil Phone
Like I do with depression, anxiety, and ADHD, I’ve metaphorized OCD to give it some opaqueness and trick my mind into realising it’s not so scary after all.
OCD is an evil version of my iPhone. It takes glee in barraging me with unwanted messages and notifications of my transgressions. If I don’t look at the phone itself, it has the ability to extract its Siri voice into my brain until I take action to soothe the echo.
I liken engaging with OCD thoughts to fanning a flame. The more I try to blow it away, the more intense the fire gets, eventually eroding my mental infrastructure to ashes. However if I leave it alone and quietly leave the room, it diminishes over time.
OCD is a spider in a web, a bad acid trip, and a stuck record player all at once. It takes carefully coordinated moves, willpower, and presence of mind to evade its clutches.
How I Manage
Avoidance
Picture this - there are 2 doors in front of you. Door A is labelled the ‘Face Eating Leopard Room’, and Door B is labelled the Normal Room. You need to make a choice. If you knew a face eating leopard was in the first room, would you pick it? Unless you are an actual leopard, I’m assuming no.
As easy as it sounds, knowing what my metaphorical leopards are and avoiding situations where they present themselves is something I do (where possible). For example, if I go on a trip and know I might worry about dropping my medication, I will put them securely in a washbag, in a rucksack as opposed to my jean / short pocket.
However, OCD being the crafty bugger it is, there are sometimes triggers which I cannot avoid. This leads me on to…
Ignoring
‘But Jordan, this sounds similar to Avoidance?’
Correct, but the difference is context. I use Avoidance to completely remove any chance of exposure to my OCD triggers. However ignoring can be used when you’ve already been exposed, and the virus has started to get its claws into your cerebral cortex (sorry, it doesn’t actually do this but it helps describe how awful it is).
How do I do this? I still acknowledge the thought exists, but from afar. Think of it like watching some traffic from a distance. I can either get really close and try to actively dodge the cars, or I can stand on the side of the road and reduce the chances of getting hit. It’s the same principle. I’m still aware I’ve got some mental traffic building up, but instead of engaging, I notice it, label it as ‘OCD’, and don’t feed it.
Instead, I’ll do something else for 15 minutes; gym, washing up, some work, a walk (this is a great one). Usually the intensity of the intrusion subsides - this opens the floor quite nicely for…
Delay, Delay, Delay
Sometimes it’s impossible to avoid (Door B has vanished), and hard to ignore (Door A still has the Face Eating Leopard). In this case, how do I survive?
Delay engaging / discussing the thought until another point in time. Like my previous point, this could be 5 minutes or 5 days - the key is I set aside a specific time to worry about the OCD thought and wait until then.
This does 1 of 2 things. Either:
The thought subsides, and I forget it was even an issue
I still remember it, but I’m better equipped to rationalise the thought with techniques such as CBT / logical thinking (please do speak to a medical professional on how best to employ this though)
I’ve had plenty of times where OCD has popped up, and I made a promise to myself to wait until the next therapy session to discuss it. Sometimes I forget, sometimes I discuss and we go through the necessary techniques to reduce the intensity. If you knew you had a Leopard Taming Device arriving in 2 days, surely you’d wait it out before going through the door?
(You have food and water for the duration, so don’t worry)
Final Thoughts
The trouble with my OCD is it never truly goes away (for me). Even if I eradicate one obsession, it will find a way to latch onto something completely different. Sometimes they’re completely inconsequential, sometimes not so much and they disturb the very fabric of my being. The subject doesn’t matter. It can always be debilitating.
If you know someone with OCD, or talks about something like it, please show empathy and listen.
You just might help them delay enough.
I’d love to know more about your experiences of OCD and what works for you? Leave a comment below to join the discussion…
Hey Kristi! Firstly I think we can all be on the spectrum of having an obsessive mind, it’s only when it tips into OCD that is becomes nasty.
The episodes are painful and exhausting for me but I’m hoping through therapy to get to the point when I can accept, ignore and distance myself from them. It’s all possible with patience and practice.
Hattie, thank you so much for writing this and being so honest. I learned a lot and your insights will help many.