ADHD & Anxiety Perspectives: Understanding Anxiety, Fear of Failure, and the Drive to Please
A Candid Conversation with Joe
In this first edition of Perspectives, I delve into an open conversation with Joe who provides valuable insights into anxiety, fear of failure, and the desire to please others. As a close friend of many years and a sportsman, his perspective offers a unique window into the performance aspect of these challenges. We explore the origins of his anxiety, his fear of letting people down, and how these feelings manifest in his personal and professional lifeā¦
The Scene
It was a warm late summer-September day, and we decided to get some coffee & lunch and go to the local park to record this interview. We overlooked a river, and there was a gentle bustle of people flowing through the pathway on the opposite side. Joe is someone Iāve grown closer with in recent years, as his open mindedness and honesty are qualities I seek in friendship.
The Social Anxiety & Stutter Link
Jordan (Interviewer):
Today, Iām having a candid chat with my good friend Joe, whoās graciously agreed to share his experiences with anxiety, fear of failure, and the strong drive to please people. Joe, can you kick us off by telling us about your earliest memories of social anxiety?
Joe (Respondent):
Of course, happy to share. So, my earliest memories of social anxiety goes way back to simple tasks like answering the phone or interacting with strangers, whether thatās in a corner shop or if Iām at a party. Even today I was nervous! I still get anxious in these situations, despite what others might think.
Jordan:
Itās interesting, isnāt it? Because Iāve never had you down as someone who gets nervous in the years that Iāve known you, but I can appreciate that feeling, as Iāve had people say the same about me. Youāve also previously mentioned your childhood stutter. Could you shed some light on how that came about and what came first - the stutter or the anxiety? Itās like a chicken & egg scenarioā¦
Joe:
My stuttering was closely linked to my fear of authority figures and older people. There was this moment in school where a teacher pressured me to say my name in front of my parents at a school evening. This made my stutter even more pronounced - it was horrible. Even now, when anxiety creeps in, finding the right words can be a real challenge and I go blank. Iād say the social anxiety was the start of it, then it became a bit of cycle after that.
People Pleasing
Jordan:
Thanks for sharing something so personal, and I canāt imagine the parents evening experience helped. I want to touch on something you mentioned to me earlier this year on pleasing people, which could be linked as well. How does this trait, which makes you care deeply about what others think, impact your life? Is it positive or negative, or both?
Joe:
This is a big one! I genuinely care about what others think, and it drives me to be more empathetic and considerate. But itās a double-edged sword. Iām always afraid of disappointing people, whether itās at work, with friends, or in my relationships. Anywhere. Balancing this desire with my own well-being is ongoing. I view it as a positive opportunity - I have been doing athletics for all my life, and use this worry as a motivating driver to do better and better, whilst also appreciating what Iāve achieved. Itās a lot of plate spinning though.
The Dreaded Imposter Syndrome
Jordan:
I can imagine - Iāve a slightly different view on my desire to please people. It sometimes overwhelms me and I get paralysed with anxiety. I think through positive thinking you can begin to turn it into a motivator, so to speak. Moving on, youāve described feeling like an impostor at work and this recurring fear of being sacked, even when you receive positive performance reviews. How do you handle these feelings of impostor syndrome, especially in your professional life?
Joe:
Yeah, I can see how people pleasing can cause someone to spin too many plates - itās definitely a tough balance. On impostor syndrome, itās something Iām well-acquainted with. To tackle it, I rely heavily on positive self-talk and mental imagery. Reminding myself that many people go through this, and remembering my achievements helps. The key for me is leaning into challenges instead of running from them - thereās been times in my life where Iāve not done something because I was worried about failing, as my fear of failure is so strong Iād rather completely avoid it. An example of this is asking someone at work to cover a presentation under the guise of it being a good opportunity for them - but really deep down itās because I didnāt want to do it. I didnāt like that. But, you know, this impostor syndrome and my fear of failing, theyāre closely connected.
āThe key for me is leaning into challenges instead of running from them.ā
Changing Mindset
Jordan:
Absolutely. Itās clear these aspects are all intertwined for you. Could you share some of your personal strategies for managing anxiety, strong desire to please, and your fear of failure?
Joe:
My strategies include harnessing these obstacles into positives, whilst also practicing gratitude, recalling past achievements, and visualizing a safe end to each day. For me, itās a comforting thought that no matter how bad it gets, you always go to bed at the end of the day, right? These techniques help me stay grounded. Itās important to mention that my drive to please can be a source of anxiety, but it also pushes me to strive for excellence. The real challenge is finding that balance between taking care of myself and the desire to make others happy. Although I do constantly have this fear of failure, I have transformed it to work for me by striving to do better, and take on things I normally wouldnāt to defeat the fear (in my athletics for example). However I can understand how that might not always work for everyone, so others should find what works for them. I just know next time I will do the presentation!
Key Points
1. Early Social Anxiety: Joeās experiences with social anxiety began with simple tasks like answering the phone and interacting with strangers, shaping his perception of anxiety from a young age.
2. Childhood Stutter: Joeās stutter, which developed during a period of stress, is closely tied to his anxiety. It continues to affect his ability to find words under pressure.
3. Drive to Please: Joe cares deeply about what others think, which motivates him to be empathetic and considerate. However, it also leads to a constant fear of letting people down, with the thought of failure sometimes leading to avoiding taking action.
4. Impostor Syndrome: Despite receiving positive performance reviews at work, Joe often feels like an impostor and fears being sacked. He has learned to combat this through self-talk and leaning into challenges.
5. Balancing Act: Joeās strategies for managing anxiety and depression include practicing gratitude, recalling past achievements, and visualizing a safe end to each day. Finding balance between self-care and the desire to please others is an ongoing effort.
Actionable Tips
1. Embrace Empathy to Understand: Joeās experience highlights the importance of empathy in understanding the anxiety of others. Approach conversations with empathy and open-mindedness to better support those dealing with anxiety. I didnāt realise my friend contends with these things, so this discussion was helpful in getting to know him more. A good way to do this is break through surface level conversations and ask how people feel about issues in conversation. Some good question examples are here.
2. Self-Talk and Visualization to reduce Fear of Failure: When facing anxiety or impostor syndrome, practice self-talk and mental imagery. You can close your eyes, and imagine yourself succeeding in your anxiety, and journal positive things like key achievements, things you are looking forward to, and what youāre grateful for. If you have ADHD, it may be hard to stick to a schedule, so take yourself on a āDATEā before bed-time and go through the below:
D: something youāve Discovered
A: something youāve Achieved
T: something youāre Thankful for
E: something you want to Experience
3. Strive for Balance when People Pleasing: Recognize that itās possible to strive for excellence without overburdening yourself with the need to please everyone. Find a balance between making others happy and taking care of your own well-being. Think about how many of your needs youāre addressing, versus the needs of those around you. Is it balanced, or out of kilter?
This was the first Perspective interview focusing primarily on anxiety. I am looking to speak with likeminded people for the next interview in October - so if you are passionate talking about ADHD, anxiety, or depression symptoms, please leave a comment. Also, vote in the poll below to curate the next Perspectives focus! š
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This was a great read and I LOVE that you called it "perspectives." That's exactly what you're offering.
I could probably contribute perspective on depression, but mine is directly related to grief, so it might not be an avenue you cover. Something to keep in kind though.