ADHD, Time, Me, & You

Conversations with our younger and future selves

4 days partying at Glastonbury, 4 hours to get out of the carpark, and a vow to never camp again. The invisible clock can be cruel.

Photo by Noah Silliman on Unsplash

Time. Let’s talk about time. The tick of the clock, the swing of the pendulum. Time. Runs too cold in boring corporate meetings about operational efficiency, runs too hot when your parents grow one year older. It crushes and constricts, lengthens and elongates, capturing in stillness those moments of nostalgia. Time. Through epochs, moments, phases, periods and generations, time has witnessed many a great hero and villain and everything in between that were and will be made on its canvas. Epic stories and great vastness’s of boredom are spun within its infinite confinements - Time. 1 hour. If you could seize 1 hour from its clutches with your younger and future self, what would you say? Tick tock.

Our relationship with time can warp and change from each decade of youth. I’m 29 years old. Let’s do some math.

If the question is: what would you say to yourself in the past and in the future? We should revisit the below ages:

Past

• 9 years old

• 19 years old

Present

• 29 years old

Future

• 39 years old

I apologise for the numerically inharmonious series of 9s - you could’ve had a nicely rounded and sequential 10, 20, 30, and 40, but alas, I’m a summer baby (June) and sometimes time and ADHD don’t mix well.

Let’s look at the below:

• What was I like?

• What was my relationship with time?

• How do I see that now?

• What would I say to them now?

• How has ADHD played into time?

The Past

9 years old

Unbeknownst ADHD at the time, I was the classic misbehaving cheeky archetype. My primary school teacher, Mrs. May, called me ‘Slick Rick’ on account of my tin tin style quiff.

It’s hard to nail down exactly how I perceived time at this young age, but I remember it being a dreamlike state. A hint of surrealism whilst I ate my porridge every morning, which had a distinct sickly sweet smell of honey and raisins. I’m aware this may be because of the imperfection of memory, and how the evocative moments are sometimes best remembered with a hazy gloss that paints the picture rosy or grey. Do you have nostalgia tinted spectacles for the past?

I see this period of my life as completely removed from me. As we’ve gotten older, haven’t we all felt that we’ve lost some of our innocence and joy in the simple things sometimes?

The best way I can describe not feeling connection to my childhood is those bizarre dreams where you’re Tom Cruise or some random celebrity, then you wake up and it slowly dissipates. I feel like I popped into existence as a fully grown bloke with a moustache, and the innocent wistful memories I can recall were implanted there, like in Bladerunner.

Is this a case of time obfuscating the memory? I’m not a neuroscientist, so I’ll leave research to the experts, but I do have some insights to tell little old me.

‘You’ve got ADHD, mate.’

I look up, confused. Why is a moustached man talking? He does have a bum chin like me though, so I’ll listen.

‘If you feel uncomfortable or feel like you’re pretending to be like other people to fit in, it’s OK. You need to do that to mentally get through the next 5 or 6 years. This is what’ll make you who you are though, so embrace it. My one bit of advice would be to take a few breaths before getting angry.’

…

‘Also bet on Arsenal to be invincible in 2003/4’

The bum chin in question, albeit I was definitely not 9 years old here.

Let’s fast forward a decade from ‘Slick Rick’, where my perception of time changed dramatically…

19 years old

I spoke extensively about my experience with the trinity of mental health that is depression, anxiety & ADHD here, so I won’t labour this point too much. It is relevant to some degree though, as intense bouts of mood swings -high octane creative pursuits followed by deeply unpleasant downturns- chopped and changed my perception of time.

In the high moments, time felt restricted and squashed, which in turn made my behaviour more erratic and frantic. As an example, I’d start one project (writing for an online magazine funnily enough), before kicking off a number of other mini side quests due to my creative flow being in full flight. This was however underscored by an anxiety that I was running out of time (at 19!?) which impacted sensible decision making.

Now for the low. Winter months, rejections (another core aspect of ADHD for some people) and imposter syndrome at work knocked me off the height of the roller coaster into the mines of melancholy, and time slowed to a crushing halt.

• Day 1 - I can get through the next 5 minutes

• Day 2 - this is painful

• Day 3 - how many days are there?

• Etc

• Etc (cont. for 10000 bullets)

Photo by Filip Mishevski on Unsplash

Have you felt the same? Naturally we all have sad moments, but what about the big long stretches in between? Apathy. Passiveness. BOREDOM. The musical notes of time drops to an infrequent single piano key that strikes at a random time of the day - and you can barely hear it.

We all talk in highs & lows and good & bad times, but the meandering silence in between can make the clock of life seem like 15 back to back marathons:

• When am I going to get promoted?

• When am I going to get buy this or that?

• When will I get a dog?

What would I say to him now? My 19 year old self would almost certainly see the physical similarities between us, albeit the ‘filling out’ of adult faces does mean I look quite different now, which is normal.

‘The boredom and mediocrity between the good and the bad should be welcomed. Right now, you’re going from good to bad to even worse and good again too quickly. It’s not your fault, but take comfort and relax during the in-between periods. Do some mindfulness or go for a walk and look at the trees. Just chill mate.’

Another decade passed, bringing with it more clarity into my relationship with time…

Present Day

29 years old

My memories of 9 and 19 are skewed. As I said before, they don’t feel like my reality but rather some obscure multiverse in the heart of Basildon, a grey melancholy town I grew up in that has its own name on a Hollywood style sign.

Knowing I have ADHD has helped me manage time better for specific situations. I set alarms 3 minutes before a meeting, when I leave for a social, or when I want to finish writing an article. Knowing my diagnosis means I have little tactics that help me manage time in a more bite sized way. I’ll share them with you at the end, but first I want to paint a picture of how ADHD interacts with the passage of time.

How does ADHD affect time?

• Elastic Time Perception: imagine you’re at the airport, but your flight is cancelled and you have to wait 4 more hours. It feels like forever. Time ‘flying by’ when times are good and the inverse when boredom strikes isn’t a novel belief, but it’s especially pronounced for ADHDers. Having to do a 5 minute task that isn’t interesting can feel like hours, but being engrossed in something you like can make 4 hours feel like 5 minutes.

• Past, Present, Future: the ADHD brain often lives in isolation, and finds it hard to consider past or future influences and implications. The past can feel like a reality that you experienced in a dream, with the future being a blank canvas you have no idea where to start with.

• Procrastination/Time blindness: Not laziness. But rather an inability to accurately gauge how much a time will take. This can also mean things take a lot longer or shorter than you anticipated.

So how can we improve or understand our experience of time more? We could…

1. Use time on important things more: relationships, friends, passions. For me, I spend too much time seeking validation or just mindlessly scrolling.

2. Appreciate the good times with presence of mind. It’s a classic saying:

‘You don’t realise they were the good times until they’re over’

• but it’s true. I get scared that the good times won’t return again every year me and my friends get older - as if there is a ‘good times’ CEO who’ll decide to stop manufacturing them. How can we change that thinking? Personally I can breathe the autumn/winter air more deeply and see it crystalize and evaporate, and I can listen to the sounds of crisp leaves and tiny crunching rocks under my shoes more. The senses. They’re the key.

• On a more fundamental level, I can recognise exciting plans and look forward to them. Spending time anticipating the good time is a good time in itself! I’ve started to think of one thing I’m looking forward to every morning, and it applies a pleasant filter to the day.

How do you want to use your time in the next month?

Now for a quick fast forward to 2033.

Let’s Talk The Future

39 years old

One sad thought I had in the opening paragraph is the relentlessness of time with regards to my parents. I’m sure we’ve all had this feeling. The march of their aging years sneaks up on us like a thief in the night - sudden pangs of panic and realisation that we haven’t done enough to be closer to them whilst being around. Theres a positive. It’s hastened me to spend more quality time with them whilst I can.

To talk about what I’d say to my future self, let’s discuss the past some more.

I know the feeling of experiencing a faux childhood is false, as there were significant moments of joy that I access like a treasure trove every now and then. I spoke about the Dragon Hoover here, but another core memory I have was going to Colchester zoo with my family, where I had the best time with my siblings, parents, and grandparents (and parrots who were sick on me).

Time and memory has an effective way of highlighting formative memories like this when a dash of sensory stimulation kindles under your nose. Ever been reminded of a person or memory with a waft of perfume or aftershave? Watch as your brain fires up some nostalgia for your (dis)pleasure.

Then as time went on, the relationship I had with my parents became more strained from early teen years to 20s. I put this down to being in close physical proximity every day, and not having the time or space to be my true self.

Moving out at age 24 changed that. The frequency of my interactions with my parents has reduced, but the quality of the time I now spend with them has increased 10-fold. Time x Space = Room to grow relationships.

Time and…

space.

So to my 39 years old self, I’d say:

‘I hope you’ve spent meaningful time with mum & dad over the last 10 years. I hope you can look back on a collection of fonder memories that act as a softener on the regret and fractious childhood you had.‘

‘I also look forward to experiencing your change in mindset to work and being ‘good enough’. Right now I’ve been at an extended crossroads moment, where my love for writing is sometimes strangled by a 9-5 corporate job. I know I want to transition, and I think 10 years is enough to do it.’

It’s interesting how talking to our future self is really just goal setting and seeking clarity of our own values. As above, there has been a tectonic plate shift to my inner layers, particularly on my priorities and what I want to do long term. However, we still need to earn a living. So a slow, accepting transition into our desires can be preferable over an impulsive pivot.

What’s your view on time looking ahead? I look forward to it more than when I was 19, and it feels more real than when I was 9. I’m not regretful of my younger selves, as the novel experiences they had has helped me view time as a useful tool and canvas today. I’m somehow nostalgic for future memories that haven’t been made (if that’s possible). You’ve had many formative experiences. They’ve stretched out over marathons, as well as brief, wistful moments that vanished in the wind.

So, you now find yourself in the Glastonbury carpark. Time is smiling devilishly at you. But this time it’s different.

This time you smile back.

I’m curious…

• What would you say to your past and future selves?

• What’s your experience with time? And has it changed?

• What are you looking forward to in the next month?

Please tell me your stories and experiences in the comments, and share wider!

Also, here are some time management tips (for everyone!)

1. Prioritise and Break Down Tasks: What’s 1-3 of the most valuable things you can work on today? Then divide larger tasks into smaller steps.

2. Use Timers and Set Deadlines: Employ techniques like the Pomodoro method and set specific deadlines, even for tasks that don’t have any.

3. Limit Distractions: Create a dedicated workspace, use concentration-boosting apps, and consider noise-cancelling headphones.

4. Establish Routine: Maintain a consistent daily routine and use visuals like whiteboards or sticky notes, to map out tasks. Change it every now and then though.

5. Seek Accountability and Reflect: Share your goals with someone for check-ins, even if it’s a quick call or WhatsApp!

P.S. I know I’ve betrayed you. I said in my October content schedule I’d be releasing an article on Social & ADHD tomorrow. But when the inspiration hits, I can’t stop. More to come next week, look out for a Perspectives piece with

The Bounce Back

!