I've been away
But now I'm back (kind of)
I’m aware I’ve been off the radar a bit lately. Sorry about that.
This is because of a low level anxiety I’ve felt for weeks now. As you can imagine, having such a physiological response for an extended period of time can wear you down in all aspects, most notably motivation to write. And creativity.
I want to use my last months challenges and thought pattern as inspiration for a case study on load management, dealing with anxiety, the ying and yang of ADHD, and my relationship with existing. This is little bit of everything in one. What’s most freeing is I’m just typing in free flow - no structured plan, no outline. Just thoughts.
Let’s start with the anxiety. Why has that been the undercurrent of my life lately? I think a few reasons…
Overcommitting. In true ADHD fashion I have started various side projects that seem like shiny new toys. I call this the magpie syndrome. But it’s so shiny! :(
What’s the link between this and my increased anxiety? Not feeling like I’m hitting self imposed goals, and being restricted by imaginary deadlines and dates in my head. Guilt. Shame.
But in reality, not writing on my usual Tuesday / Friday schedule or finishing a new website I’m building isn’t going to ruin anyone’s day. So why is it affecting me so much?
I think it’s because I’m setting personal goals that I must achieve against certain deadlines. My plate has then become too full. I underestimated my mental capacity, and I’ve reverted to my usual self disciplinarian actions as a result. I’m giving myself a mental detention each day.
Obviously this isn’t helpful. Obviously. So why do it? Good question.
Writing has a magical way of formulating stormy thoughts into a well organised tea cup. It’s my passion. I love it. But lately anxiety has paralyzed me to the extent that I couldn’t bear writing one word. For example…
I missed my usual December writing schedule.
Ahh Jordan you idiot!
I haven’t written in 10 days..
Ahhh Jordan. WHY?!
I realise now these toxic thoughts need to be actively dismissed. I can do all the meditations and walks I want, but real action means facing them head on with positive challenges.
Asking why several times can help.
After some critical thinking, I had a new realisation. I’m feeling this way and chasing novel things to do because I’m thinking about my place in this world, it’s giant machine like processes, and the impact (or perceived lack of) I’m having. I have some existential doubt.
What do I mean by this? Well.
I’ve been writing about ADHD and other mental health topics since September. People seem to like it. I also have a steady job and my own place. Things are ‘OK’. Yet, I’m scared. My actions and lifestyle are good in the perception of todays society, but does it matter? I don’t mean that in macabre way, I’m asking objectively.
There’s a classic debate on free will vs determinism. Free will being we have complete agency over our actions and make them of our own accord; determinism being everything is cause and effect, to the degree that if you really think about it, we don’t make any choices of our own free will, as a very specific set of factors means the outcome was inevitable. It’s a bit of a mind fuck.
Whilst my belief is somewhere in between both, the context of my thought patterns over the last month have been heavily in the I’m-so-small-in-this-world-and-each day-can-be-a-right-slog-what-does-it-all-mean camp.
I don’t have a solution for this. Now, I know the best course of action is to just enjoy life and have a good time, but I think there’s something else I can do.
Stop dancing to other peoples drumbeat, particularly in my 9-5 profession. As I’ve gotten older (and started writing more), I’ve realised I’ve lost my spark. I love writing, but I don’t make a living from it. I make a living from doing shit that I don’t (actually) care about.
What?!
The thing is, I literally can’t just up & quit. But I can very slowly start to replace some parts of my life with things I enjoy, and things that light the spark back up. I guess you wouldn’t chop off your foot if the shoe was too small, right? You’d start shopping for bigger shoes.
Before any practical, tangible changes - looking for a new job, or pursuing a career in writing - my mindset needs to be inspected first. Accepting that life is like this, and we’re here for 80 plus years is my first action. This will take therapy, unless you’ve got any tips?
Second is to stop assigning meaning (or lack thereof) to everything. Doing this stresses me out, particularly around looking at the long, never-ending stretch of days ahead of us. It doesn’t seem to end. Surely this isn’t it?
Stop.
I want to welcome the randomness from now on. I want to introduce some sparkles of excitement in my life. I’ve started to learn programming to do this, so I can build a website about writing. It’s my passion after all.
This WILL take time. So the third thing is accepting my current situation with a 9-5, and the occasional dip in positive thinking for a bit.
To help this, I also need to stop overcommitting (aka magpie syndrome, shiny objects!). A quick stop and check before jumping into something fancy and new, and asking myself:
Will this put undue stress on me in a months time?
or..
Does this align to my core values?
My core value at the moment is doing stuff that will help me slowly transition to doing what I love for a living - writing and programming stuff. Anything else is just noise.
OK, what about the deep undercurrent of questioning my existence? A bit more on this…
My Evolving Relationship with Existing
As above, I’ve had some doubts about how meaningful my achievements are in the context of mine and everyone else’s existence
The doubts I’ve had / still having are really around feeling overwhelmed by the complexity of the world, and not feeling I’m contributing in a positive way
For me, the fear of not ‘adding value’ means the unwanted consequence of being insignificant
If I really go deep, value is defined by my perspective. One mans trash is another mans treasure etc etc. Right now I’m looking out the bus window and thinking ‘nothing I do means anything’
When in reality, that’s the beauty of it. If we are a small speck in the grand scheme of our cosmic lifespan, doesn’t that make us really important? I’ve got another 50-60 years of living. Opportunity in abundance. Maybe a better thought is ‘everything I do has value from my perspective, and it sometimes help or entertains others’
Ying & Yang of ADHD
Sometimes I love having ADHD. It makes me unique, and it also helps me understand my thought patterns and behaviours, and improve certain situations if needed. If I’m going down a rabbit hole of worry, I know I can sit back and think ‘actually, this could be ADHD working against me. Time to take a break to reset’
The not so helpful aspect of my ADHD lately has been not feeling ‘normal’ compared to societal standards. Frustrations at not having as much social battery as other people, or my senses being overwhelmed in certain scenarios. Why can’t I just be normal? I say.
The current ADHD medication stock shortage is fuel to the fire as well
All of this has blended with the existential worries I’ve had for a steady supply of anxiety and paranoia
Coming out of the other side of a 4 week panic is always cathartic. I’ve accepted that I will have ‘down’ periods like this, but there are some actionable lessons to be learned:
Write worries down. Even if you aren’t a writer. It helps (and thank you for reading and listening to my rambles)
Remove workload. Adding shiny new projects to work on is good in the moment, but can make things haphazard and chaotic. If you are in a down period over winter, considering stopping a few things to ease your mental strain.
Spin the narrative. I try to actively catch myself thinking negatively about something. Once I’ve caught it, I try to introduce a positive alternative e.g. nothing I do has value > a lot of the stuff I’ve done has helped people.
God. I feel better now getting that off my chest.
As we continue into the darker nights of winter, it can be hard to keep your mood up. I’m interested in tips others in the same boat use to help. Do you have any?
I am also stopping paid options for ADHD & me. Everything will be free, and I’ll still produce all of the extra stuff, but with no paid gates. I don’t feel right charging for this genre of newsletter. I will leave the option to pay as a choice for anyone that feels like supporting ADHD & me. But if you want to stay free, be my guest.
Jordan, I feel like we’re synced!
I have felt pretty much the same for the last month and it’s been hard to shake.
As well as looking inward, I think it’s also worth looking at the environmental factors. It’s the end of the year, it’s dark, we’re encouraged to look back at the year and count what we’ve achieved. There is a low level current of exhaustion and expectation that fuels winter anxiety.
It helps me to be aware that I am part of a small interconnected system - I have an effect on my husband, my friends and to a larger extent the people who read my work. It doesn’t have to be value on a grand scale.
I’ve loved working with you and reading your work this year!
You know, I’ve been feeling this way too! I don’t know if it’s the same with you, but I feel that I have moments of “high speed” and then on the other air of them, I start slowing down, looking around, and overanalyzing. Something I’ve really tried to learn in this time away that I have is that I don’t need to have all the answers or be the greatest person in the room. But it’s definitely hard 😅 Thanks for -- as you always do -- helping me feel a little less alone in some of the uncomfortable feelings!