The fear of ending (Part 1)

and the reaction to the dreaded full stop.

I just walked 11k steps on a marathon wander in -2 degree English winter.

I also spoke about my fear of things ending with my therapist this morning.

Shall we get into the weeds? (sorry, 12 years of corporate jargon)

“I find it hard to enjoy or accept nice things or people through fear of them being gone one day.'“

This was one of the first things I said to my therapist on Teams after a 3 months hiatus. But it’s not something I just thought on a whim - it’s been on my mind for some time now. It impacts my perception of relationships, professional work, and my own happiness.

I’d like to go down this rabbit hole in a 2 part article, in an effort to make sense of it, how it relates to the world, and what I’m trying to change. I hope to uncover some interesting and insightful nuggets of gold, that are still hidden behind the keyboard as I type.

So, what is the END of something?

“the final part of something such as a period of time, activity, or story” - Cambridge Dictionary

Like this sentence, for starters.

But also…

1. Apples have a shelf life of 6-8 weeks

2. Mortgages can last 40 years!

3. Life ends, obviously. The average expectancy differs per country

4. Each day has a finite end of 24 hours

My aforementioned fear is not of Granny Smith’s or the T&C’s of my mortgage, but of the intangible ‘soft stuff’ of life. Relationships. Values. Memories. Friendships. My brief surges of happiness & motivation.

Photo by an_vision on Unsplash

But why?

It’s not uncommon that people find it hard to accept love & kindness from anyone - this could be down to a multitude of factors. After careful thought, I have trouble with this acceptance because in my mind, everything has an end date. It expires. Dies. Vanishes. Needs to be scrapped like a 2005 Ford Fiesta.

My line of thought then leads me to a nihilistic place where meaningful relationships can become a source of anxiety of me, namely because the thought of them ending (when there is no current indication of it doing so) is too painful for me to think about. My mind views it as a lose-lose situation as it’ll be gone one day, anyway.

It goes deeper. I’m desperately scared of hurting those I’m closest too via another depressive episode. I am not in any way in danger, just for clarity. But I am distinctly aware of my fear being centred around this thought - the thought of causing others pain with my mental degradation, one day. Right now, I’m good.

But how can I be 100% sure I won’t have a mental breakdown or suicidal episode in the next 50 years of life? How could I possibly, with a clean conscience, put any number of people close to me, romantically or otherwise, through such an ordeal? Rather than plan for every possible outcome in my remaining life, I may as well just cut off all ties.

Clearly this is flawed. I am aware. But it is a pervasive thought, so it’s clearly important to me right now.

This leads me onto another thought around my fear of ending. It’s not so much a fear of the thing ending, it’s a fear of how I will cope after the fact. Specifically, how I’ll deal with the ‘negative’ avalanche of reactionary emotions.

• A job loss

• A relationship ending

• A failed side project

• A loss of interest

All of these spark ‘negative’ emotions that I strive very hard every day in my life to avoid. This is because I don’t want to go down the rabbit hole of depression, which I think is quite reasonable.

But the internal boxing match I have with myself, which almost ALWAYS leads to me tapping out in the 2nd round, is not reasonable. I can’t run away from sad emotions. And I shouldn’t, cos’ on the contrary, they’re necessary. The fear of experiencing them is nullifying my ability to take pleasure in the soft stuff of life:

• Like the joy of receiving a gift

• The excitement of a new hobby

• The slow healing of true bonding in relationships & family

There will be sad emotions that come with these. Some may last. Some may end. Some will end. It may be a literal ending, or more of a slow, spiritual separation of minds. Or it may be thrown into an actual pile of niche hobbies you’ve accumulated over the years (I even tried to grow bonsai trees at one point).

But that doesn’t change that the preceding part happened. And it was great, and sometimes average, and maybe even shit & painful at times. But would you swap that for not experiencing it at all, just so you don’t feel sad or frustrated when it ends?

Hint: You’ll still get sad if you avoid relationships, hobbies, and other soft stuff in life. In fact, you may be even more so.

Photo by Kira auf der Heide on Unsplash

So what now?

Accepting the now, and how

Clearly a good tactic is to try appreciate the now more, in spite of the fact things do indeed end. How? (this is more me talking to myself, but feel free to take notes)

• Write down 3 things you are grateful for

• Pursue your interests despite opinions of others

• Accept you have a fear of endings, and going for it anyway

• Go on big walks to help you contemplate your inner questions

• Your inner questions are the big, scary ones that you keep putting off by doing the dishes instead

• (Trust me I know)

• (But also trust me, walks help)

Surviving the biggest threat to life, ever

I said something to my therapist earlier that made me realise I could survive anything. I have survived multiple suicide attempts. This, for me, is the biggest threat I’ve ever faced. Forget losing a job or worrying about the cold on winter evenings, this is the big one. If I can face down a dark army and come out the other side, what can’t I cope with?

This thought in itself, is freeing. Suicide is something I wished I never experienced, but it is also a powerful reminder of my ability to cope. My logic is this:

1. I have a fear of things ending

2. This is mainly down to my fear of feeling bad or how I’d cope with said thing ending

3. I have felt EXTREMELY bad before and coped with suicide attempts and episodes

4. I am still alive, and doing alright

5. Therefore, my potential reaction / bad feeling to ANYTHING else ending will be coped quite adequately with, given I’ve faced the biggest boss of them all

Talking about this with my therapist teased this thought out of me. It’s quite interesting that I take such a heavy topic, and through an aha! moment, I’ve blended it with logic. It’s like creating a spreadsheet of compliments you give a lover.

Anyway. If my fear of things ending is down to how I’d react and cope with the fallout of the bomb, then this fear must be quashed immediately.

That fact hoses down the fear to a whimpering smoulder. My smile broadens as I realise this with my therapist, as I’ve finally got some agency to enjoy things more.

If I can cope with the darkest dredges of life, teetering on the edge of the universe willing myself to carry on, I can quite literally cope with anything.

Logic prevails.

What are your thoughts & feelings on endings? I’d love to know, so please drop a comment. :)

This was part 1 of 2. The 2nd piece will explore how the fear of ending relates to the wider world, specifically on these themes:

• Endings are a natural, beautiful part of lie

• Infinity would be boring

• Realising what really matters